Please read this SHORT script

[Patriarch]

Hi... im entering a short film contest where the winner gets around 10.000? to make a film! Now... I dont know the subject yet (you get the subject, and have 48 hors to complete the film) but I like to have some premade scripts ready... I've written this one based upon a short story (with permission)

Tell me what you think, if you understand it, If i tell to much and leave too little to the imagination.. all comments are welcome....
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THE REMNANTS OF HIS TOUCH

INT. TRAIN. MORNING
CATHERINE, a woman in her early 30?s is sitting in a train, on her way to work. Apart from her, very few others are on board. As the train stops, she sees a man her age, MICHAEL, walking past the train window. MICHAEL is very drunk, and a real mess to look at. He staggers onboard the train and heads for the area where CATHERINE sits. In his hand is a bottle of liquor. He walks down the isle toward CATHERINE. The few people onboard look the other way. Some are clearly disgusted my his smell and appearance.

MICHAEL
This seat taken?

He points at the seat next to her. There are pleanty of other places he could sit.

CATHERINE
No. Its free

MICHAEL
Good

MICHAEL sits himself down next to her, quite ungracefully. CATHERINE looks out the window, clearly uncomfortable.

MICHAEL
So how are you this wonderful morning?

CATHERINE
Fine
(BEAT)
And how are you

MICHAEL just grimaces, and takes a sip of his vodka. After a little while he turns his head and takes and inquisitive look at her.

MICHAEL
You know what... You look alot like my exwife. My beautiful exwife. But your prettier though
(chuckles to himself)

CATHERINE
Thank you

CATHERINE sees he still wears a ring.

CATHERINE
So where is she now, your ex-wife?

MICHAEL
I think you know

CATHERINE
She had to leave you

MICHAEL
yes, but do you also know that I don't blame her? Its important for me that you know that I understand.

CATHERINE nods understandingly, but seems distant. Sad.

MICHAEL
Now its my turn to leave
(gets up)

CATHERINE grabs his hand as he stands up

CATHERINE
Michael... I...

MICHAEL
I understand

MICHAEL walks away, and out the train. CATHERINE sits by herself in the train, and starts to cry.
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[MatJimMood]

its a nice idea but i think the script is too short

it would be more effective if the dialogue between them lasts a few minutes longer before delivering the twist.

i know this may be hard to do convincingly. maybe you could have michael talking about the problems in the marriage with catherine listening and making comments about what his wifes opinion might be. this way once the twist arrives the audience would have a more intimate understanding of the relationship and feel closer to the characters.
it could be made into something really interesting if you avoid falling into cliches, which is always difficult to do with a subject like this

[Dirty Cricket]

I like it, short and powerful. But just a few questions. Why is she on a train? Where is she going? How did Michael get on the train? Did he buy a ticket as well? Answering some of those with some clever dilouge might leanghten it a tad bit and also keep the belive ability.

also if you have permission to adapt the story, don't feel bad about adding to it.

[Patriarch]

The idea is she heads for work every morning. He knows this... or is it coincendence? [img]wink.gif[/img]

anyway.. as mentioned the film MUST be atleast 3 minutes, and I dont think it will strentch that far... So im considering starting it showing each of them going be there own lives, until they meet on the train.. and prior to that I would have him wonder along the train station.. checking his clock, and windows.. letting a train pass which she isent in...

But I dunno... anyway.. more opinions and advice very welcome. Also, where else more accesible than a train could I film it, and still maintaining the familiar "drunk man making passengers uneasy" situation... I hope to get to make it on a train, but I may not get the permission... but filming it on a train would add to the production value.. especialy for a film made in 48hrs.

[Patriarch]

concrete suggestions to dialogue and sequence change also very welcome... If you see a cool way of delivering the twist better, then by all means...

another thing... is it too unsubtle? In the story it only hints at there relation...

[pauldrystonewall]

i like the script christian, i think you could quite easily stretch that to 3 minutes, with a bit of visual (and musical) scene building.

this isn't the london 48hour film challenge is it?

i forgot all about it and my director just emailed me today warning me not to make any plans for the weekend!!! [img]wink.gif[/img]

[ac_01]

It's ok, but you only seemed to have scratched the surface. You need to dig deeper into the characters. Doing that will solve two problems -- the length and it will make the twist much more of a twist.

[Patriarch]

Great feed back.. yeah.. I guess your right... the film has to be between 3-5 minutes, so there is a limit to what I can do. Also the short story its based on does not have more lines than this.. but... I do think its sound advice. Ill think a bit about what I can come up with...

Its a challenging script though... If they talk to much together it will be unbeleivable, that she would talk to a drunk like that, so the twist would maybe be spoiled if they guess it... hmmm...

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ August 13, 2003 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Christian Marcussen ]</font>

[chrisparr]

Hi,

You might want to hide the twist a little better. As soon as the Michael headed for Catherine I thought "They must know each other, maybe he's her husband".

Well they are divorced but I was close enough.

Perhaps it was a lucky guess.

Later

C

[Patriarch]

Nope paul... it isent the british one. Umm... hide the twist better... I think that will come through directing, dont think It should be done scrit wise. Anyway.. dunno if it was a lucky guess, but so far you are the only one ive talked to who guessed it.